The last couple of weeks have been particularly hard for me. Working through the layers of gunk from the past it’s not for the faint of heart. Letting go is not easy, if it were, nobody would be carrying all that heavy baggage around. We would simply “let go” already and move on. Easier said than done. Unearthing certain events from the past have brought back pain that have long been buried, but not dealt with. That certainly satisfied my need to live in denial, which kept me numb, but also contributed to my sleepwalking through life. And the whole point of this course is to “Come back to Life”. So like it or not, I absolutely must deal with the pain.
The exercise that I found most difficult in the Coming Back to Life e-course, so far is “Forgiveness”. I was supposed to make a list of everyone I need to forgive so I can let go of that hurt. It was an interesting process, the list came up pretty quickly. When I started going over the names and thinking of the things that particular person did to me, and saying out loud “I forgive you”, I realize that in a few instances, I either didn’t even remember what exactly that person did, or, I didn’t really feel that hurt anymore. Huh, so a lot of the pain I thought I was carrying didn’t even exist anymore. I was hang up on the “idea” of that pain. Which made me question what was I gaining from holding on to that to begin with. There must be some benefit to it, real or imaginary, or else I would’ve let go of something that didn’t even hurt anymore, instead of walking around with it like a badge of sorts. It makes perfect sense to me, that I was benefiting from it by using it to feel victimized, thus giving myself the perfect excuse to blame everything on everyone else but me. After all, I’m the victim here, so someone has to “pay”.
It turns out that, I’m the only one “paying”. When I came across my own name on the forgiveness list, I understood just how deep this hole is. Even with some of the people that have done unthinkable things to me, I was able to, after many tears and much despair, and in some cases, screaming and punching pillows, to find the courage to say “I forgive you”. But when it was my turn, I couldn’t for the life of me, say the words. Instead, I just kept going on and on about how horrible I am, what terrible things I’ve done, what incredible damage I’ve caused and how truly unforgivable my acts were. I stayed in that frame of mind for days, I threw the workbook across the room, I cursed the material, I screamed at the course, uttered the most vicious, ugly words at it, and finally, resorted to my lifelong way to cop out, withdrawing completely and using whatever soul sedative I had available, TV, mindless internet surfing, and the like. Every time I made an attempt at reviewing my “case” I would only scream that I am a horrible person and don’t deserve forgiveness. Period. My life is going nowhere because I don’t deserve any happiness. End of discussion.
Wow! The week before I thought I was doing well, I was finding ways to peel the layers, and find my true self. I guess that acknowledging that I’m only human and I’ve made mistakes is one thing, but truly forgiving myself and moving on is a whole different ball game. It’s hard work, like I said, not for the faint of heart. Admitting that I’m going through this is incredibly hard for me. Doing it publicly, positively agonizing. I can feel the pain with every key I stroke on the keyboard, the tears are flowing nonstop. I’m asking myself if I’m going to find the nerve to hit the publish button. How can I? Doing that will expose my weaknesses, how rotten I am, how I’ve made mistakes horrible enough not to deserve forgiveness. But when I stop for a moment, and pay attention after quieting the mindless chatter inside my mind, I hear Spirit whispering that I have the strenght, I can do this. I swore to myself that I would, even if all else failed, be brutally honest on this blog. That no matter what, I would open up and show my true self, the real me, raw, unedited, without any pretty makeup. I’m drawing on that strenght now, on the belief that Spirit is right, that I can and I will find the courage to do the most radical thing I’ve ever done in my life, FORGIVE myself. For everything. Period. Let go and move on. That I do deserve to be happy and my life can go somewhere. End of discussion.
As I pick up the workbook this morning and began the work again, I realized that I knew from the get go that this wasn’t going to be easy. That there are going to be setbacks, that here and there I will withdraw and resort to soul sedatives. No one says I’m bound by the six week time frame of the course. It’ll take as long as it takes. I don’t have to be perfect and graduate with honors, participate in every discussion, be a part of every chat and show everyone in the group just how amazing I am, that I am such an inspiration because I’m doing everything so perfectly. No, that is not what’s going to happen. I am not going to play the role of Little Ms. Perfect and be the poster child for the class at just how amazing my progress is. I’m done with living life that way. I’m flawed, and I’m messed up. I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go. And I will do it right, honestly, soulfully. Even if it takes me six months instead of six weeks. Heck, even if it takes me six years! Or however long. I don’t know how long is going to take to finish this course. What I do know is that I WILL DO IT! And the first step in the forgiveness exercise is to forgive myself for completely freaking out over this and bringing the course to a total halt. I’ll say it out loud, “Jade, I forgive you for throwing your hands up in the air and giving up on the course for a few days”. And so it is.
Back to work, back to life. Get up, shake off the dust, and carry on. Whatever help I can find myself along the way, I’ll take. Like this painting, now sitting on my desk to give me the strenght to move on. Spirit is represented by the little bird sitting on the girl’s shoulder, reminding her to be gentle with herself, to love and to always find FORGIVENESS in her heart. The butterfly is there to remind me that soul work takes time, and after a long while spent in the cocoon, transformation will ensue, and what will manifest is a brand new, beautiful existence, forged in truthfulness, forgiveness, and love. Dashes of handmade gemstone paints, created by me under the full moon, energizes and turn this painting into powerful medicine for my soul. Blue and green Apatite, Lapis Lazuli, Turquoise, Garnet, Aquamarine, and Blue Quartz, make my heart sing with all the magic from Mama Gaia’s crystals. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.